Le Daydream Dweller

1.
It is one of these epilogues again, where the option only has a natural tendency to rave between the humidity and dryness, traumatizing ourselves into a complete state of alienation. The momentarily worried was odd because I used to ignore determinately. All I ever kick up a fuss on was why no one had ever considered summer and autumn in between them. They usually generalize the authentic adaptation of being because there is never a cure for insanity anyway. After all, we just adapt and evade, publishing tales to paint the phase of the world.

2.
She once said that believing in the concept of dreaming is perilous. I denied although it remained unsolved.

3.
I’ve been meaning to analyze the effect of the sedative within self-importance. Certain people, in the eagerness to change the world and built their dreams, committed the fatal error to speak with arrogance and block out the clatters that came rushing in all over them from the street. My earliest intention to speak my mind like that often is usually prefixed by an apology because people hate to be confronted with the accurate portrait of their essence. My state of mind can never really get hold of tranquility and it is only standard for the existence of strict judgementalism. After the countless reads on the method to enhance triumph over learning, I finally realized there are a bench for truth and a bench for silence. In constant need, I learned to ignore.

4.
It started with a glimpse.

5.
“You never know the biggest day of your life is going to be the biggest. The days you think are going to be big ones, they are never as big as you make them out to be in your head. It’s the regular days, the ones that start out normal. Those are the days that end up being the biggest. You never know the biggest day of your life is your biggest day, not until it’s happening. You don’t recognize the biggest day of your life, not until you’re right in the middle of it. The day you commit to something or someone. The day you get your heart broken. The day you meet your soul mate. The day you realize there’s not enough time because you want to live forever. Those are the biggest days. The perfect days. You know, it was a beautiful day.” – Izzie Stevens, Greys Anatomy.

I cried so badly with the sudden burst of the sappiness when George got her back. My futurism and remnants soar so vividly these few days, I am deeply rooted.

You can never weep enough with Greys, anyway. It was a beautiful speech.

6.
Temperamental poignant.
Multitude of doubts.

With the 14 weeks of work loomed ahead of me. And other else.

7.
I could never find myself again. That individual 8 years ago. But there will always be a certain knotted fragment of me inside the wanderlust and experience that remain unchanged. Today, I picked up a book, Veronicas Decides to Die because it’s the time of the year again. I loved how the flipside of its blue cover character reminded me to pick up people and lost one that I’ve left behind long time ago, including myself; retrieve a few another awkward remainders of resolutions once upon a time. I am an idea, after all. My basic elation is to revisit the little leftovers. They flawed the malice. They taught me to never be defenseless against choices. I’ve always remembered, it takes courage to embrace.

Paper Heart(!)

Director(s):
Nicholas Jasenovec
Screenwriter(s):
Nicholas Jasenovec, Charlyne Yi
Executive Producers:
Nicholas Jasenovec, Charlyne Yi
Producers:
Elise Salomon, Sandra Murillo
Cinematographer:
Jay Hunter
Editor:
Ryan Brown
Music:
Michael Cera, Charlyne Yi
Sound:
Devendra Cleary, Jacob Riehle

“Charlyne Yi does not believe in love. Or so she says. Well, at the very least, she doesn’t believe in fairy-tale love or the Hollywood mythology of love, and her own experiences have turned her into yet another modern-day skeptic.

PAPER HEART follows Charlyne as she embarks on a quest across America to make a documentary about the one subject she doesn’t fully understand. As she and her good friend (and director) Nicholas search for answers and advice about love, Charlyne talks with friends and strangers, scientists, bikers, romance novelists, and children. They each offer diverse views on modern romance, as well as various answers to the age-old question: does true love really exist?

Then, shortly after filming begins, Charlyne meets a boy after her own heart: Michael Cera. As their relationship develops on camera, her pursuit to discover the nature of love takes on a fresh new urgency. Charlyne risks losing the person she finds closest to her heart.

Combining elements of documentary and traditional storytelling, reality and fantasy, PAPER HEART brings a fresh perspective to the modern romance and redefines the classic love story.” (Excerpt from the Sundance Page)

***

This is no doubt the best palliative therapy for me who always yield for surprising ending in the modern day’s skeptic. Maybe at the other side of tragic and happy ending we tend to get lost in the gutter of storytelling, reality documentary and fantasy. I am super hyper veiled with the appearance of Jack Johnson and Michael Cera and it might not be easy for you to know how seriously I take Michael Cera’s film but he’s like my virtually existed best friend. And Charlyne is already semi famous for her ingenious performances and Michael Cera’s real life girlfriend!

It is definitely the pursuit of the classic modern romance. Frankly, the trailer already caused my heart to be fogged with emotions and thoughtfulness. Right now i just need to find the right pillow to match with it.

Teeth

Have you ever heard of vagina dentata?

I had a hard time concentrating after a short inhale of acknowledgment, drying out in this state of incompleteness the whole afternoon. Vagina dentata is Latin for toothed vagina and apparently it wasn’t just another comical metaphor suggesting fierce vagina or something but real teeth growing inside a girl’s vagina. If I were to rate the disturbing scale of 1-10, this would pretty much be an eleven. All it took was a random click on the Teeth movie trailer, a horror black comedy independent film by Mitchell Lichtensein. Fucking brilliant concept and impudence to share about, where the teeth in a vagina’s at most time bites of the penis when having a sex intercourse. That is no doubt smart and slick, entirely unashamed throwing a few nasty shocks and public psyche into a perfect equation of being.

I havent watch the film yet (soon) but after reading the spoiler, I couldn’t agree more with Ev that this is the weirdest movie plot that I have ever encountered. Ever. And I thought Hard Candy was the bold subject.

The disturbance and confuse and the beginning goes ambling aimlessly and haunt the most part of me because I was told that there are real incident where real vaginas of woman actually consist the growth of teeth, and I couldn’t bring myself to decide anymore on the following part of the supposing myth, where they served as the weapon of sex and bites of penises. The sanity can suffer much. I read on the myth of vagina dentata just enough to realize that it leaves traces from various to diverse culture since long time ago. I could only hope that this were to happen to a rape victim but sadly the myth even appeared in Salvador Dali painting and his neurotic dreams. I cant help but wondered, could it be possible that the existence of womb fear and man’s fear of sexual intercourse are real? If so, when did violent rape came in to the picture and why?

The myth tales, on the other hand, totally bury me in shocked.

“Jonathon Green writes that “male fear and even hatred of the vagina persists unabated: emotions that are faithfully reflected in slang” (1993), citing examples such as ’snatch’, ’snatch-blatch’, ’snatch box’/’snatch-box’, ‘vacuum’, ’sperm-sucker’, ‘wastepipe’, ‘fool trap’, ‘fly-catcher’, ‘bite’, ’snapper’, ’snapping turtle’, ‘carnal-trap’, ‘mangle’, ‘manhole’, ‘man-trap’, ‘prick-skinner’, ‘eel-skinner’, ‘eel-trap’, ‘mouse-trap’, and ’skin-the-pizzle’. The perception here is of the vagina as an organ with “hidden dangers lurking within” (Erica Jong, 1973), ready to trap, snap, swallow, skin, or otherwise incapacitate the penis.”

“It is indirectly personified by the Etruscan demoness Culsu (who carries scissors) and the Alawan goddess Kunapipi (who swallows men with her womb), both of whom have names etymologically related to ‘cunt’”

“Pablo Picasso painted a woman holding a tray of sea urchins, with the creatures as representations of the vagina dentata.”

“Salvador Dali has depicted the vagina as a lobster with sharp claws”

Teeth continues to celebrate the flowing good critics and review from the Sundance film festival.

Girls just shrugged and feel awesome.

Guys acclaimed it to be the horror film for male species in general. Sleep with one eye open that is.

I however, still don’t quite like the idea of teeth growing in my vaginas wtf. Yes I completely feel for the woman about female power and rights but the twisted aggressiveness still gross me out. Nonetheless, I will be the brave-watcher next week. I heard Jess Weixler, the toothed vagina actress are a resemblance of a young Kate Winslet.

P/s This always happened when i am having group chat with the besties. This time its a toothed vagina discovery. I wonder whats next?

Careless Shorts.

One.
When I am finally landed with a 3 weeks schedule of doing absolute nothing, the weather decides to be unbearable hot with some soft rains to come along, unpredictable as a woman with PMS mood at the first day. And to make matter worst, a large species of unknown green flying bugs that bite the pain out of me moved into the light hole of the house just 5 minutes ago. Clever them. I am sticking them off the wall with tapes now.

Two.
I heart mornings. And cream butter. And horizons. And circles of light. And lattes. And ice-cream. Any flavor will do at this point. Except strawberry.

Three.
My speed rage for tv series are coincidently in the frame of mind for outrageous fight. I need to work on my procrastination with Greys Anatomy. And since the New Year begun, believe me when I say there are many series mushrooming and so willingly open for downloading. The good ones are only a few as always. Try Lie To Me. Original storyline with contracting mind-blowing theory checked. Witty and sarcasm checked. Much better than Gossip Girl which I don’t really caught up with fetish somehow. But I adore the production closet though.

Four.
(While dining in)
Ev: Emily can you PLEASE help me walk to the counter and get me the salt?! I need to make this French fries tasteful.
Emily: Nop.
Ev: PLEASE!
Emily:Nop.
Ev: Zheng Joo, please!
Me: Nop.

(After 5 minutes while the conversation shift shaped)
Emily: Okay, let’s play quiz game! Start!
Ev: Emily can help me get the salt?!
Emily: NO.

Hahahaha. It’s alright. Took me 2 seconds to realize what the whole “quiz” is about.

Five.
American Idol Season 7 will always remain as my favorite season. Because of the widely range of talented and tasteful people in it. Because that I could remember almost every contestant with their uniqueness and heartfelt moment. It was like some already famous sing song writer contest seeing their every live show and it didn’t really matter much to me when Cook caught the title. They were all fantastic and mesmerizing.

And the only moment of this year that could stretched up to my estimation is watching Kris Allen performing “Falling Slowly.”

I heart.

Six.
I am somehow able to be involved in every trip the Gang goes when I am carefully curled up on my chair at home.

Last time, it was the prank call.

This time, it was a call from Raymond’s father politely requesting from me to locate his son. Oh, and phone chat with drunkards at 3 in the morning.

What the hell.

Seven
Happy Birthday to my almost stubborn brother, Chong Ru Jean, Lim Zhi Kang, and Koi Vin Sern.

Eight
Learning to sleep like a baby again. I need to be wonderfully optimistic.

12 Minutes Of Made Up

I am still in the midst of assignment’s final assessment stretching apart from finishing this 2 months delayed draft I started with 3 words once upon a time. Every time the urge to share the intellectual musing on fracture of my everyday life marched on, it either comes down to trespassing the comfort zone or I just had to complete every damn responsibility in the whole wide world, even when they are not mine to begin with. Anyway I am still not done with completing this semester finale progress that is why I am being gibberish. Still craving and hungering though.

 

A lot had happened between the absent timeline and I have so much to tell. I think I am publishing this journal like some monthly life magazine. Too much is annoying. 

 

I shall finalize my Pooh Bear board game and typography research.

 

And then I can slack back and warmed my toes up for a normal sleep routine that consists of hot coco and good reads instead of keyboards and pencil shade.

 

p/s  Did I mentioned that it is a normal routines for Tah Eve Lynn to cheer me up with many Youtube  funny videos but its actually consist of a larger laughing percentage from her? Haha. It’s part of the description. It’s a 20 second flash of clips but good enough to cracks me up :) AND I REALLY THINK THE ELF LOOKS LIKE VINSERN. Hahaha.  

 

 

 

———

 

Hahaha. Okay, bye bye.

The Escaped Fallacy

I only write when the fistful of muse juggles up the mind and I couldn’t bear to acquaint in silent. Astonishingly I managed to establish a portrait figure within two hours given the fact that I applied simplified stroke and the results left me pondering for a very long time. I think I actually paused for a moment, trying hard to remember how this figure get on that piece of paper, and to who may it belongs to. I am agonizing like that. It is one of these mornings again, where I haven’t slept at all because I just can’t. Be it the mounting assignments that I wouldn’t race them with poor finishing or the fracture perpetual once upon a time. They condense and float away sometimes. But increasing lately.

Carelessly I have reached the mid February of a brand new year. New Year resolution never worked out for me seeing that I always lost the safest place to finally settle down. If life were meant to equalize pleasing resolutions, I’d rather continue another perspective of something uncommon and spent half my life tearing for the beautiful. I’ve been just thinking so much. About how I rely on angst to compose a judgment. When I was 14 years old, the age of today seemed so far away and the transparency of future always vibe up the hopefulness in me because I knew there were so much to be accomplished. And here I am today, refraining myself to bring up the future because of the uncertainty inside else. Where had the million years of light flew across and why didn’t I notice the silent warning within? In the end of the road, that piece of stained whiteness still consists of the optimism 5 years ago. 

Which I pulled over the surface when it comes down to sleepless night.

When things are already over and besides, I inhale them. Even if my imagination allowed me to indulge into redeemable and the magic of believing it, it all boils down to lack of respect, on many levels. People sometimes take people for granted and just dismissed their words to form a whole new sentence. And it’s fucking irrelevant to the point of annoying. I am not ready to remind mistakes. Next time when I ever mentioned that I always tried to disappear in the crowd of people, it is the haunting persona of yours that messes with the hormones. Geez.

On a lighter note, these are the few things that made me happy lately.

1. To be surrounded by familiar voices again. Ever since I transferred, it scares me on how little I need to survive because I am the one who never hold tight on social enactment. I think I am recluse. Simple observation could tell you that unless someone strike up a good conversation, I won’t say a thing. Let’s just say it’s a different association within the now and then. Back then, I still find people whom will associate me with optimism and sincere laughter. And then perhaps of the race of humanity, it’s less than a dozen over here. Perhaps it all falls back to my inability of contactable and different environment just exhaust me. Sue, you would know what I am famishing about. I hope a transfer of city light could fill the absence of what you are seeking. Did I mention how no one could make me laugh like how Amir does? And how no one dawned upon you with care and questions like Dara does? Or how Kien’s craps consist so little of offense and more of a quaint of charming humor. Or how maturity just functions the right way underneath the croaky voice of Robin. Or how I never failed to smile upon Jason and Winnie’s conversation.

(Credits to Winnie. I love this much.)

 2. My eldest cousin of the Tan family is married. Like finally. I still remembered how he would teamed up with Teck Hao and Teck Wei with a livid seriousness on their faces and announced to a 6 year old me that every time I had my afternoon nap, thousands and millions of creepy bugs would crawl up to me just by being disgusting. I remembered myself squaring up the cozy blanket unconsciously to form a protection, yet I would still grumble over their teeny weeby evil face and shoo them off, refusing to believe the whole bug thing. And when I woke up, they stayed exactly at the same line and describing how many bugs came not long ago.

It scare me to death and I literally sobbed my way to my late grandpa whom I missed dearly. In return, I got my keropok of the day from the bread man.  

For an odd reason, as we grew up it was less conversation and more of a hi bye. Maybe it was the age gap. Or not.  

I was thrilled to receive my first angpau from him. :) 

I feel tired and worn out.

And the belonging I will never have. Goodnight.

______________

Soundtrack: Schuyler Fisk-Waking Life 

Infinite Playlist

It was a hit in My Space and I was blown away by Michael Cera performances in Juno. Thus when I read about Nick and Norah’s Indefinite Playlist, I promised myself to spend the ounce of my life watching it an after a faithful of waiting and searching, I’ve watched it yesterday and it made me marched with the beat and smiled at the random expression which painted the more realistic manners of teenagers today. You can read the original book copy here.

Because it felt real and organic inside the movie. With random strangers and passerby reacting to the interactions of their every action. It shows the vulnerability and raw side of the New York streets nightlife where we only feel alive with the relationships between random conversation and strangers. This film was initially shot throughout the middle of the night with real uplifting street passerby and people. I love how impossibly accurate it portrays the people and streets. Scene like Norah describing how to open the locked door to Caroline just reminds you how vague friends are suppose to be again.

And I swear, the moment Nick reaching out his hand at the subway escalator and says, “We didn’t miss it. This IS it.” when they missed the greatest gig of all time, it wasn’t a waste of word like most corny lines. It was naked with sincerity and cleared away the bad air.

__________

Norah: It reminds me of the part of Judaism that I really like. It’s called Tikkun Olam. It says that the world’s been broken into pieces and it’s everybody’s job to find them and put them together again.

Nick: Well, maybe we’re the pieces you know? Maybe we are not supposed to find the pieces.

Maybe, we are the pieces.

__________

Soundtrack: Jimmy Eat World-23

The Science Of Sleep

Sit still and listen now.

We all dreamed like this once upon a time.

________

Those four minutes inhale me so slowly.

Fly Me Like A Sunday

Last month, we were merely weighing the possibility of breaking the impossible that sounded like forever. Which by all means flying off to a holiday destination with many blessings from parents for me, handful of budget for Ev and studying the maps of Sabah entirely in one week for Emily. We were actually struggling between the strangest combination of destination to go- Kota Kinabalu or Hong Kong. Exasperated with my inability to enclose an independent trip for just once sake, I am more than contemplating a location where we could hang around for more than 3 days without burdening too much on budget, so KK it was. So we three planned ahead with mucho of yes yes yes and few weeks later, we were good to go. Of course the only dude in the group Mr Loo Yee Keong needn’t care shit about the planning because he will be going over swimmingly anyway as long as the hotels provide good bed wtf.

And we were very excited and encompassed this trip with the term legendary as we have been leading a fairly boring and clean life for too long. We wanted to be existential this time! Only with a little bit different from your visualize.

You see, my father works for MAS. And enough with the question, Is he a pilot? Because no, he is not. He just sits comfortably at the back of his chair planning a road schedule for every damn plane. And the MAS offer free cheap tickets for their staff, valid for only family member. Obviously the other three would be taking Air Asia and I am flying solo on MAS. So you can imagined when I were to fly alone, I kept rabbiting on the fact that I would get lost or board a wrong plane quite incomprehensibly, which is totally understandable, if you knew me long enough. I have a negative percentage value of direction sense. I used to get lost in Pyramid. First day, aren’t that bad being dumped alone in the KLIA airport while the rest went to another terminal. In fact, I was still half asleep among the crowd of passenger with my small luggage, striding through a shortcut from dad’s office into the airport. And because my dad was nagging a little too much, honestly. He is hard to penetrate intellectually at times.

On my way to KK, I transited for 45 minutes to Brunei and did manage to catch a glimpse of the airport. And when I got back into the plane, more than half being was gone with the wind, and I am left with two annoying middle aged man whom are busy amusing themselves with Taiwan pop star material song list, which aren’t exactly the right match between the age and the glowing faces, made me had a funeral inside my brain. Now I wished I had taken the offer for jump seat. I could have caught a better foretaste of the almighty clouds and getting feisty with the pilots and the endless buttons. The last time I sat was 2 years back. Damn. I landed with a ride from Uncle Eric, friends of dad to pick up the rest from Terminal 2. And my mind went blank prose when I saw their luggage. My god. It was enough to lay on the entire Africa.

Kota Kinabalu is well, basically a small town with enriching nature soil. We only got to explore some bits of the city and natural habitants. Due to the fact of limited budget and transport, we stayed in a self budget hotel which turned out to be not bad. The air was crisped and moisturize but the weather was unbearably hot. The sea smell always filled the air and one has to constantly planned you journey well ahead as the city is constantly buried with traffic jams. After a while exposing to the air we will pretty much get sticky as the jetty are a 10 minutes walk down the street, which is to say it is a grasp of convenient when it comes to exploring the island!

#1 The hotel we stayed in was the freezing point straight to my tip. We just reached the room and within five minutes i am shivering badly. Then it took us 15 minutes to realize we could hear each other out through the thin wall between. Such coolness. At the 3rd day an electricity breakdown occured and the whole building sank into a black solitude and thats when you get Emily and Ev set into motion giving one another a heartful scream out of the pitch black, while yee keong cursing monotone could be heard from the far end somewhere. I am too restless to be bothered haha.

 

#2 My lovely side bed! This was the only light shining through when the electricity breakdown and for your information, there weren’t a single window in all rooms. The illusion draw by the curtain did confused us at the beginning. While the cold breeze in the room wasn’t pleasant at all, i tried to draw open the curtain for some sunlight but all i get was a blank white wall. I try to digest the common sense behind these curtain wall while Ev find this amusing and thus roll and laughed. This was also the historical place where we played pictionary. Yee Keong bounce up and down the bed illustrating WONDERFUL! on his face for his fascination towards this thingi. We on the other hand, nearly vomit blood.

(Showed Yk his word to draw. It was King Kong. )

Yk: Omg omg lemme start! Emily guess ah!

(He drew a head with a row of mildly weird but understandable sharp teeth while me and Ev watched with such amazement, trying to get a glimpse on which part does actually look like King Kong)

Emily: Wolf! OHHHHH WEREWOLF!

Yk: YESS! HOMG WE WON! (both sprigged up and hugged with joy)

(Meanwhile, we both stare at them with the jaw hanging down, and only register the situation after 10 seconds.)

Me: WTF. Eh uncle, WRONG WORD LAH HOMG.

Yk: What! Werewolf what!

We: NOOOOOO. (Showed him again)

(He started drawing a big muscular dude with lotsa fur and used the end of the oen to poke on the bare chest of the picture hahaha.)

Emily: TARZAN! POPEYE! …

We: (Giving hints) King What!

Emily: KING OF THE JUNGLE!

We all slapped our face punctually.

The Aftermath Of Goodbyes

Seems only yesterday I walked into the fallacy of farewells. I felt being appreciated for once in my life for the fact that I was all alone to board a plane. This is the shape and taste of life I have been yearning for years. People had always amazed me, especially in airport. I wandered around so pumped up after I managed to convince my dad I can take it from here and chased him home. I definitely wasn’t having a delirium when I spotted two Irish couple chasing with time to catch their time, while teasing each other off heartlessly. I listened to a Korean and Spanish conversation, bumped people onto their knees with the huge ass trolley and then repeated for the next 2 minutes. But apart from all that, I have to admit the moist feeling that glittered through me when I observed many shapes of goodbyes and felt almost as if I just swallow a wasteful of happiness. I am groped at the millionth time gazing at those silent goodbyes. It’s incredibly beautiful, the human distance, yet incredibly disastrous. How did we ever survive it? Then it strikes me that what really matters at the end of the day was the once upon a time. We will be better again, or not.

Yesterday, I woke up in an airport.

____________

Soundtrack: Queensryche – Silent Lucidity