Slowlove

Reflection Of A Skyline by Michael Tamman

“And I want to play hide-and-seek and give you my clothes and tell you I like your shoes and sit on the steps while you take a bath and massage your neck and kiss your feet and hold your hand and go for a meal and not mind when you eat my food and meet you at Rudy’s and talk about the day and type your letters and carry your boxes and laugh at your paranoia and give you tapes you don’t listen to and watch great films and watch terrible films and complain about the radio and take pictures of you when you’re sleeping and get up to fetch you coffee and bagels and Danish and go to Florent and drink coffee at midnight and have you steal my cigarettes and never be able to find a match and tell you about the the programme I saw the night before and take you to the eye hospital and not laugh at your jokes and want you in the morning but let you sleep for a while and kiss your back and stroke your skin and tell you how much I love your hair your eyes your lips your neck your breasts your arse your and sit on the steps smoking till your neighbour comes home and sit on the steps smoking till you come home and worry when you’re late and be amazed when you’re early and give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance till I’m black and be sorry when I’m wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I’d known you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you’re angry and your eye has gone red and the other eye blue and your hair to the left and your face oriental and tell you you’re gorgeous and hug you when you’re anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I’m next to you and whimper when I’m not and dribble on your breast and smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don’t and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh and not understand why you think I’m rejecting you when I’m not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I’d ever reject you and wonder who you are but accept you anyway and tell you about the tree angel enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you and write poems for you and wonder why you don’t believe me and have a feeling so deep I can’t find words for it and want to buy you a kitten I’d get jealous of because it would get more attention than me and keep you in bed when you have to go and cry like a baby when you finally do and get rid of the roaches and buy you presents you don’t want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don’t mean it I do always have from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking it’s empty without you but I want what you want and think I’m losing myself but know I’m safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don’t deserve any less and answer your questions when I’d rather not and tell you the truth when I really dont’ want to and try to be honest because I know you prefer it and think it’s all over but hang on in for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life and forget who I am and try to get closer to you because it’s a beautiful learning to know you and well worth the effort and speak German to you badly and Hebrew to you worse and make love with you at three in the morning and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I have for you.”

-Sarah Kane, Crave

When one lose faith in love,

You found so much beneath and you looked back, wishing you could spare a split of seconds to reinvent the infinite of velvet musings with you.

Only that, and nothing else.

________

“Theatre has no memory, which makes it the most existential of the arts…I keep coming back in the hope that someone in a darkened room somewhere will show me an image that burns itself into my mind -Sarah Kane

___________

I’ve only learned about Sarah Kane yesterday and it saddens me to the gravity of sentiments.

Feeling: Absurd

Soundtrack: Jem-Flying High

9.9.2008

There are things due.

Being amidst of wrapping up fluff of cottons and a piece of cloth, we really meant well woman.

But then later one, this conversation took place and we finally realized that our stupidity has begun in a more fluidity speed.

Remembrance Every Tuesday (Part 1)

Long strolls talking about life, with many things flashed across my mind. I’ve come to this far upon the inquisitiveness of pursuing my passion. My expectations learned to cease and drained as I watched and waited still day by day, carrying out my unfinished business.

It’s like to know the chase is useless, yet I still turned back at any circumstances to follow the path again. Because hopes and visions never resigned utterly, especially during these glorious youth age, even when one perceived it as a faith of moment.

Uncharacteristically, I survived through these eight months with plenty to share and learn.

And I reread my journal today. These neatly written words are always jumbled up in one post, my bad.

This time around, the space of words shall be dedicated to my class and lecturers. I had fun for the past 8 months all right and still vaguely remember the first day of class. That was orientation. I literally snapped at Way Cyuan’s speech and argued about a freaking name list placement which caused a blank page look on his face, translating what the heck. The class mate’s faces were worst. They kept swaying their visions from WC to me and then back to him. That was totally unintentionally alright. I only did that because the class was in the state of pin dropped silence. Dead silence. And I still haven’t adjusted myself into a quiet environment after a year long spent in Mass Communication course. So I started talking.

But I guess that works in a way, he remembers me whenever we bump on road after that day. (Cough)

I feel indefinite in this journey to be honest. It’s like I’ve seem to have gone too far down a path. To think about the future major years and then verging into reality officially made my mind and thoughts arc forward into all directions. Some are terribly exciting while the others are just screaming out my stress to an open, anonymous sea of lonely unknown listener.

Needless to say, 8 months spent with class 3 was smacking fun. Here goes.

#1 My Design 1 Motto Theme Design! I have a sudden urge to do painting again looking at this piece haha. It was based on the quote Beauty is The Purgation Of Superfluities by Michelangelo out of the quote list you see. I initially wanted to pick the quote I Shut My Eyes In Order To See but changed my mind throughout the process as I could predict what a huge response it might get and the same visual at the end. It was an inspiring moment though to flow through my mind with pieces of definition and sayings about beauty, and how Michelangelo himself does came across this situation. Those conversations and pouring ideas with Candice was as good as well. She would always laugh upon my thoughts and finds them funny. I remembered the sweaty hand I had on presentation day itself for the first time, actually. Because this concept’s theory are running wildly in my mind and in conjunction of that I could have messed up the points itself and people would not get what am i saying, what more with two guest lecturers who will be listening to this for the first time in their entire life, unlike Candice who did weekly progress. Nevertheless I had so much fun in this entire project. I shall put up the main words from the research folder itself :)

My concept behind the design would be the beauty within naked identity of society and what society perceives might be a beauty scotch. In my design, a naked woman is pouring blue paint downwards her body and when look closely, the blue paints form a delusion of a tied up of a man and woman in jeans. The human body itself is a work of art, it is beautiful and to add paint to it is just as beautiful but it enhances what we already have. That all itself sums up the beauty that lies within beholder. It’s easy and convenient to judge others and their stories when our own flaws and sad tales are covered up. When no one is covered with anything, it’s quite suddenly not about the others or what they look like. It’s very much about what others can see of us. More specifically, it’s about what we see of ourselves and know we are showing the world. It’s not about what we might see but rather what others might see. Therefore the nakedness actually stands for excuses that we ourselves created, the sense of blindness towards yourself, letting reputation and perception robbing away your idealism of your self worth even when you are naked; an excuse to cover up, an excuse for lust, and even an excuse for money-makers (nowadays). We are aware of what other sees in us more than what we think we are worth of. Naked with pride thus turned ashamed. My emphasis on the concept of nakedness creates excuses laid on the poured paint forming a sensual movement between a man and a woman’s leg. I called that the society’s insights that most people care about more than anything in the world. It flows along with the quote (Beauty is a process of eliminating unnecessary stuff) because one could only capture the real meaning of beauty by clearing away the shamefulness inside one’s nakedness.

Self interpretation aite? Heh. And my presentation had a good ending!

#2 Impossibly tiny and cute right haha! This is our Kecak Dance model I had been chanting for months, for the Design II Cultural Box. The idea was to create mirrors reflection inside the box with well, several angles complicated enough to make my mind go bonkers. The mirror was the essence in our concepts. The plan was to expose how the modern people today escape from reality whereby they are superstitious yet denying the truth beholds all the surrounding of technologies and hype. So the idea was to erect a simple artsy storyline on the inside while applying the black and white coldness that reflects the current society. And boy it was hell torturing to build the box, design the 4 elements in one day (!), hunting the right materials and last but not least doing this disgusting Kecak dude (as Kane put it) Haha cause we did this with soaking tissues in to the stinky PVA glue sludge and squeeze the grossness out of it (with both hands), form a human shape which failed entirely for me cause I make them into carrot shapes, and let them dry. It was like, GIVING BIRTH. And so during the presentation day I was utterly mentally and physically exhausted and when the definitely intriguing case happened where Zhi Kang broke one of the mirrors in it, I didn’t feel a thing I tell you! In fact, I even reply an encouraging sentence if I wasn’t mistaken :) Oh and the lil fella was wearing coat to explain the modern society doing the Kecak dance.

#3 The final post-production, the 2 box on the upper hand. And if you look closely, the right one has a face inside, see those? They are actually designs of the black and white below with 2 models and design elements. I absolutely adore the whole presence and style of it. It’s so elegant plus edgy! Seedy yet vibrant. And the middle design would be 2 out of the fours that drive me insane producing them.

#4 The team with great determination and strive for the best wtf. Actually nolah we weren’t like that it was more of a lagging and procrastination all way long. L-R: Me, Zhi Kang, Tiny and Kenny. If I were anymore depressed, these 3 would have made me jump down from the main building cause they are always so noisy with disastrous comments about me hmph. Like how I always get bombarded by saying I did not put in any effort out of all the sighing and complaints haha. Then it would be a huge debate like some world war 3 and Kenny would be leading the ending with, “Yes! It’s our fault, we drink!” And gulp down whatever liquid they have. So sarcastic man. And how Kenny would squeeze the human form of those lil fella in PVA glue like decorating a Christmas tree and then attempts to rub them on my hand and then finally feel bored. But I am happy in this team haha albeit all the disastrous that happened, the outcome was awesome shall I say. And omg i have no idea why is Kenny’s hand like melting in here.:/

#5 The Egypt team, L-R: Vin Sern, Lizard, Kane and Raymond. I only have this team picture so aih don’t care edi. Their pyramid was the highlight of the day. I know, it probably looks like toy in here but it could be open up and separated into bottom up and even upside down okay. Truly amazing finished art skills. As for the people, I’ll start off with Vinsern. Haha Vinsern is very funny one- He always do funny stuff like a child. And he looks like one too. Gets quiet all the time but talk big words when he feels offended. But you will always see him doing stuff like eating the ice cream away from the gang behind, makes him looks so sad and lonely heh. And then he would be hanging himself on top of a chair bending down to do figures studies so weird! Plus he always get sexual assault from Kenny hahaha. I did warned him to bring along a pepper spray but he wont listen. Lizard was in the same primary class and uh weren’t that close before this but things are better I guess for now. He does character design at ransom days on papers, scribbling. Kane is those typical class joker. Like whatever he says turned comedy and we would laughed so hard till the tummies hurt. Oh and he loves cheese! Haha wth so random. And right, all he needs is a pencil and you can asked him to draw anything under the sun man. I called that imagination drawing which is truly an important possession for an artist to be able to draw without seeing. As for Raymond that face above shows that he hadn’t been sleeping for 2 days. Drives like murdering attempt passenger on board but he always fetch me home :) All the best guys.

Candice

Dearest Zheng Joo,

“You’re very much a deep student and it has been such an engaging experience to speak, converse and hear your thoughts and perspective on the things you propose in your projects. More than that, do see much value in your eye for details and the observational skills you adapt in all that you think about, maybe even more than you know at times (as I do see that evident in your research folders). Your appreciation of what matters, life’s overall picture and the bigger things beyond the natural eyes has been a great source of encouragement.

Your willingness and boldness in trying out new things is an asset that you should continue to harness and maintain. There’s so much in you that I believe is just waiting for the right moment to be unleashed, so do not hurry but take that time to discover every piece of that gem within you. As you probably already know, oftentimes it isn’t in the pretty things that you’d find the best of treasures, but in those seasons/periods/sessions made of brokenness and that which is contained in jars of clay yea. You’d go far.”

-Candice, Design 2 Lecturer.

I begin to see in greater clarity for the first time after a semester spent with her. To think that all the impossible might be still worth pining for after all.

We just simply didn’t see enough.

But most importantly, she never once tried to resign on anyone of us.

So, thank you.

___________

Soundtrack: Josh Woodward-She Dreams In Blue

She dreams in blue

Wait for it, it’s all she ever knew